Not my will...

Growing up, I knew exactly what my life would be like. Everything was calculated by age... I’d graduate high school at 18, then from college at 22, get married at 23, and then have children after that. My children would be exactly 2 years apart, because that’s just what seemed right.  And by the time it was all said and done, I would be finished having kids well before turning old and gray at age 30.

It was simple.  It was perfect. It was my plan.

Believe it or not, I was pretty close! I graduated college at age 23, got married at 26, and… well, here’s where it gets foggy. Ya’ll, the babies… they just kept coming. 

In fact, soon after getting married, Ken and I managed to squeeze 5 kids in 5 years. Seemingly without warning, we were immediately thrust into this category of "family"… “large family” at that.  This was not our plan. 

MOMent after MOMent of thwarted plans, the struggle began. I struggled to find significance, in a world that looked down on women who remained barefoot and pregnant. I struggled to find purpose, as a college-educated professional, thriving in my career, but now home full time, and technically considered “jobless”. I struggled to find balance between home and ministry. And I most certainly struggled in my walk with the Lord, as I felt like I gave up “all of me” to take on “all of them” … and now there’s none of “me” left. It’s not fair. And boy, did I struggle.

Then the light bulb... the epiphany... the ah-ha MOMent, where something you "know", suddenly becomes so clear! And I remember it clear as day. It was during my quiet time that I ran across a familiar passage, Psalm 127:3, which reads: Behold, children are a heritage (blessing) from the LORD.  The fruit of the womb is a reward.  

Blessing? Reward? These 2 powerful words initiated an immediate response from me, which required a shift in perspective– from self to service.

It was on that day, that I decided to stop complaining about our life situation long enough to simply embrace the TRUTH. For God has blessed my husband and I... and He has rewarded us with 5 of His most prized possessions. He has loaned 5 souls to us. He has entrusted 5 hearts to us. God has given us 5 beautiful children... to give back to Him.

Now when I think, "This was not the plan”, it is from a place of humility and appreciation. For I now know, we have been rewarded. We are blessed.